Picnic
by Maggie Eaton
Summary: What better way to spend a day off? Short fic. Humor. COMPLETE. No copyright infringement intended.


Special Thanks to all the wonderful creators and writers of Stargate/Stargate SG-1 for lending me their wonderful characters to play in my _enjoyable_ but profitless imagination. I'll be returning them shortly

**Picnic**

"Doctor? I received a message that you have SG-1 in the infirmary."

"Yes, Sir. That's correct."

"But Doctor, SG-1 wasn't assigned a mission today."

"I'm aware of that, Sir, but they're still here."

"All of them?

"Yes, Sir. I thought you should know."

"What happened, Doctor?"

"I don't know, Sir. I was waiting for you to arrive."

"All right, then, let's find out!"

Hammond and Dr. Frasier walked into a closed off area where SG-1 lay side by side in their beds. Hammond's mouth dropped open as he looked down at the line of beds and took note of their various injuries. Doctor Frasier accompanied him as he moved towards them.

Colonel O'Neill was sporting a brand new cast on his right arm and his right leg was in a brace suspended in traction from a high frame at the foot of his bed. There was also a sizable bump on his forehead that was covered with a bandage, suggesting a cut beneath. Dr. Frasier advised Hammond that it required 7 stitches to close the wound.

Major Carter was in the bed next to him with a broken right leg and a couple of broken fingers. Dr. Frasier explained that she also had two broken ribs and multiple cuts and bruises.

Next to her was Daniel, sleeping peacefully...for the next thirty minutes. Then he'd need to be awakened due to his concussion. According to Dr. Fraiser he also had a twisted ankle, broken ribs and one heck of a shiner.

Which left only Teal'c. Normally Teal'c would be almost unscathed but since losing his symbiote, he too was among the injured. Teal'c's arm was strapped to his chest effectively immobilizing the broken collarbone on his right side and his shoulder had been dislocated, but was now painfully back in place. He also had a puncture wound to his right lower abdomen and a rather large lump on his forehead.

Hammond looked at O'Neill in dismay. "Colonel O'Neill, care to explain?"

"We went on a picnic, Sir."

"A picnic?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Well, I'd be interested to know what kind of picnic lands all four of you in the infirmary, Colonel."

"Actually, it was Carter's fault, General!"

"Excuse me, Colonel! How was it my fault? Daniel started the whole thing."

"Major Carter, it was you that expressed a desire to scout the woodlands. Was it not?"

"Oh, come on Teal'c! You know it wasn't my fault?"

"Yeah, Carter it kinda _was_."

"All right, people, will one of you please explain what happen? And the rest of you keep quiet, you'll get your chance. O'Neill?"

"Well, Sir. You know we haven't been off world for over a week now so we decided we'd go on a picnic. Get some fresh air, go for a walk in the park, do a little exploring."

"Yes, go on."

"So we had our picnic and then Carter suggested we scout the nearby woodlands. Maybe catch a glimpse of some local wildlife. We walked for about what, Teal'c, two hours?"

"Indeed, O'Neill."

"And it was starting to get dark by the time we started back."

"Yeah and who forgot the flashlights?" Sam mumbled sarcastically as Janet turned away slightly to mask her chuckle.

"Major Carter!"

"Sorry, General."

"Daniel was in the lead and it's Carter's job to keep an eye on him."

"Why is it my job? We weren't on duty, Colonel. You didn't order me to…"

"Major Carter! You are trying my patience!"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but the Colonel didn't order me to watch Daniel. We were just hiking, Sir!"

"Anyway, Sir. Daniel being Daniel, his shoelaces came untied and he tripped over them. He went down hard and hit his head on a rock. We finally got him squared away and were making good time for a while. We were crossing the edge of a ravine, picking our way along slowly because there was lots of underbrush and rocks and Daniel was a little woozy."

"Woozy?"

"Probably from the concussion, Sir." Dr. Frasier added.

"Ah, yes. Continue."

"Teal'c took lead with Carter following, then Daniel and me on his six. Half way across, and for no apparent reason, Daniel stops and starts yelling, "firefly, firefly" and pointing into the air like a crazy man. Some...bug or something. I don't know what he saw, if anything! Well, all that jumping around must have made him dizzy or something because he started falling and grabbed on to Carter. She lost her footing on the edge of the ravine and went over taking Teal'c with her. We spent quite a while trying to figure out how to get Carter out of there with a broken leg and finally just dragged her up the slope."

"Which explains all the cuts and bruises." Doctor Frasier looked at him disapprovingly.

"Hey, Doc, it was dark…"

"Yeah! Without the flashlights!"

"Carter, will you stop about the flashlights!" Sam glared at him menacingly from her bed.

"We didn't have our packs, no tools. My knee was twisted, Teal'c's collar thingy was broken and Daniel was no help at all! She couldn't walk and we couldn't carry her up the slope;we couldn't just leave her there! When we got back on top again Daniel strapped Teal'c's arm to his chest with my belt and I made a sort of stretcher from saplings and vines to carry Carter. We used our jackets to cover it, got her on board and we're ready to start home when Daniel announces his shoelace is untied again! I lean over to help him, encouraging him to hurry…"

"You were yelling, O'Neill."

"No, Teal'c…"

"Yes, Colonel, you _were_ yelling." Sam added quietly.

"Carter!" He yelled suddenly making everyone in the room jump.

"Like I said, I was _encouraging_ Daniel to hurry and trying to help him. Well, he pulled really hard on the shoelace and it snapped. His hand slams into his face, right in his eye, and his elbow catches me in the gut, knocking me off balance. I stumbled toward the edge..."

"You were laughing, O'Neill."

Jack throws a warning look at Teal'c before continuing. "…and just as a reflex action, I grabbed Daniel. A few seconds later we're at the bottom of the ravine again."

"That was not Major Carter's fault, O'Neill."

"I didn't say it was, Teal'c! For cryin' out loud!"

Jack stopped to look up at Hammond who was obviously having trouble keeping a straight face. Jack frowned at him and continued.

"Daniel used his belt to immobilize my arm, we climbed out and then took turns dragging Carter back to the main park."

"And you called for help from there?"

"No, Sir, seems my cell phone was missing, Carter's was broken and Daniel couldn't get a signal or he may have just been too loopy to operate the damned thing!"

"Loopy or Booby, O'Neill."

"Loopy, Teal'c! Booby is….nevermind. Can I just finish this, please?"

Teal'c dipped his head minutely and then glanced at Sam, a small smile tugging at his lips. Janet was unable to hide her surprise at Teal'c needling O'Neill, much as Daniel might have done if he were conscious.

"It was the policeman who finally got us back here."

"Policeman?"

"Yes, Sir. When we got back to the truck there was a policeman writing out a ticket for being in the park after dark. He called the base and they picked us up."

"That was after he tested Daniel for intoxication and askingif I wanted to file charges against you, Sir."

"Just couldn't pass that up could you, Carter?"

"Well, Colonel, it might be best if you save your exploring for off-world missions in the future."

"Yes, Sir, but it _was_ Carter's idea."

Carter piped up once again, louder and on the verge of insubordination. "Oh and now we're back to it being my fault…Sir?"

"Well, you were the one that wanted to explore, Carter!" and then Teal'c added his opinion to the mix with all of them talking at once.

"And you did pull me over into the ravine, Major Carter."

"It was an accident, Teal'c. Daniel started it! And even then, it was an accident and you both know it!"

"Well, if you hadn't grabbed Teal'c…!"

"Well, if you hadn't grabbed Daniel…!"

Their loud voices finally roused Daniel and he opened his eyes slightly to the noise. "What? Guys! Hey guys, keep it down, I got a headache!"

Sam and Jack looked at him and in unison yelled, "Shut up, Daniel!"

"Jeez! What is with you guys today?"

Dr. Frasier and Hammond left the room, but SG-1 didn't seem to notice as they continued to bicker noisily. Hammond pulled the door closed behind him to cut down on the noise and turned to her chuckling.

"Well, all of this from a little walk in the park. I hope you have plenty of tranquilizers, Doctor!"

"Primed and ready, Sir. Would you like one?" She smiled knowingly.

"No, thanks, but let's keep the details of this little day-trip between us for right now, shall we. I don't want to have to explain this to the President!"

Dr. Frasier smiled. "He wouldn't believe it anyway, Sir."

He chuckled again and walked away, leaving behind the muffled roar of his premier team.


End file.
